tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central September 19, 2012 11:30pm-12:00am PDT
great honor with playing us out with something called "who knew." pink. ♪ you took my hand you showed me how ♪ you promised me you'd be around ♪ uh-huh that's right ♪ i took your words and i believed ♪ in everything you said to me ♪ yeah huh that's right ♪ if someone said three years from now you'd be long gone ♪ i'd stand up and punch them out cause they're all wrong ♪ i know better ♪ 'cause you said forever
and ever who knew ♪ remember when we were such fools ♪ and so convinced and just too cool ♪ oh no no no >> stephen: tonight the romney campaign unveils its new strategy so 47% of you can skip that segment. [ laughter ] then new revelations about the life of jesus. he died for our sins but lived for salsa and i sit down with world renowned vie violinist itk perlman. i requested he not use the world
fingering. this is the "the colbert report". ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: woo! ladies and gentlemen -- [crowd chanting stephen, stephen stephen] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you sox if you would go behind me chanting like that i might actually go running some day. [ laughter ] welcome to the report g. to have
you with us. folks, last 48 hours have been aapocalyptic for the romney exaifnl makes me long for the previous 48 hours which were merely catastrophic. [ laughter ] it all started when video surfaisd of mitt -- surfaced of mitt telling donors at a private fund raiser that 47% of allel americans are mindless moocher is aand one that one of them was tending bar and mooched an iphone. today ea dressed the controversy in a press conference. [screaming] wow, that's not fair. thstles a gotcha question. [ laughter ] folks, now my fellow conservatives have turned on mitt, everybody from bill kristol to scott brown to linda
mcmahon to susana martinez to peggy noonan who wrote "it's time to admit the romney campaign is an incompetent one." wrong, peggy. that time was six months ago. [cheers and applause] but now -- but now but wonhe -- and folks there's a new video that strikes a crushing blow to the obama campaign and it's everywhere from fox news to fox business news. >> tonight a new recording surfaces, this time it's president obama who gets caught. >> the president is now dealing with his own words on tape coming back to haunt him. >> president obama's turn to be haunted by an old tape. >> it's interesting because both campaigns now have these tapes but you may not hear about the
obama tape only if you are watching fox news to hear the counter response. >> stephen: in truth, only on fox news will be hear the world counter reply. let's hear the tape. >> the trick is figuring out how do we structure governmentsomes that pool resources and fas sill tate some redistribution because i actually believe in redistribution. >> stephen: he dropped the ibomb redistribution which is is fancy talk for a black guy is coming for your stuff. [ laughter ] here is his vision you pay taxes to a single federal agency that pools it and redistributes it across the country to build
roads and bridges, sometimes in states you don't live in. i bet ronald rainan is rolling over in his federally maintained grave. [ laughter ] there's no talk of this going away because unlike mitt's secret video which was made way back in may, owe balma's gaffe was after labor day 1998. you stepped in it, mr. president, you stepped it in wearing zooba. [ laughter ] somehow, folks, owe -- obama still leads in ohio, pennsylvania and florida. no surprise, blue collar whites, inner city blacks and elderly jews always vote as a block. which one is which? i can't tell. [ laughter ] some conservatives out there think they know why romney can't close the deal.
>> if you look at the plans of mitt romney, they are general, they are kind of vague. >> romney talks about very big cuts but he is very vague about the details of how he's going to do it. >> people are begun loog for a cand indict be assertive but also specific. >> stephen: what are they talk something in romney as given specific figures. for instance, he is willing to pissoff exactly 47% of the voters but the detail debbies out there are always demanding more and mitt romney is going to give it to them in tonight's word. [cheers and applause] ask not -- folks from the very beginning, mitt romney has articulated a positive forward-looking vision of what he wouldn't have done in the past. [ laughter ] namely he wouldn't have done anything obama did.
but. [ laughter ] but despite this crystal clear message on the past he is being criticized for the technicality that if elected he will be president in the future. but the specific sallies are clamoring for how he will reduce the deficit, what tax loopholes would he close. what is his policy in afghanistan? [ laughter ] folks, i say no spoilers. we'll find out after necessary elected. [ laughter ] but for now -- but for now, folks, mitt is telling us the next best thing. he is telling us what he will not do. >>ly not take god out of name of our platform. ly not take god off our coins or out of my heart. >> stephen: woo! woo! [cheers and applause]
yes, president obama will not take god off our coins. and that is so important because right now just like god the value of our currency really has to be take on faith. [ laughter ] plus, you know, you know it means a lot to god to get a shoutout on a nickle. [ laughter ] that's why christ threw the money lenders out of the temple, they wouldn't let jesus shine the schekles. the fact that. barack wants to remoist is unbelievable. don't believe me? no one believes it. in fact -- [ laughter ] -- press secretary jay carney says the president believes as much that god should be taken off a coin as he does that
aliens should attack florida. do you hear that elderly in florida? president obama didn't believe aliens should bring you youth restoring cacoons. whereas n a romney presidency? >> we will never be sick, we won't get older and we'll never die. >> stephen: which is also mitt romney's medicare plan. this is the idea of making promises not to do things no one has ever said they want to do. [ laughter ] but folks there's still so much -- there's still so much to left to be specifically not done. mitt must promise today not to remove the word america from united states of america. [ laughter ] he must vow -- he must vow never to sign any bill that sets your tax rate to your pants size.
[ laughter ] and he must assure us that the oval office will never be turned into a buffalo wild wing. [ laughter ] and as milt mitt slowly enumerates all possible actions he won't take, by process of elimination we'll figure out what he will do it's like a game of political mind sweeper. final you click on the wrong square your social security explodes. so my fellow americans this election ask not what your country can can do for you, ask what mitt romney will not do for your country. and that's the word. we'll be private back. [cheers and applause] -- we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. [cheers and applause] folks, if you watch this show on a regular basis you know i have a close personal relationship with jesus. we're super time. in fact, i took that picture on my iphone. that's why i was so shocked to hear this news. >> new evidence from an ancient text that suggests jesus may have been married. on this scrapbook are the explosive words jesus said to them, "my wife."
>> stephen: married oh, crap what is is the rule on wedding gifts. you have 2,000 years, snriet jc, so happy for you, mazel, baby. it comes as a relief. you are a fit dude, you wear sandels. spent all your time hang around with other guys. people were starting to talk. what a catch, right, ladies? it's so hard to find a nice jewish boy let alone the nicest jewish boy. [ laughter ] and his dad, super well connected. he knows everybody. [ laughter ] but as happy as i am for my brosseiah this news has been bummed out. jesus was one of my last singer friends. he wasn't just my copilot he was my wing man. i settled down but he was a party animal always turning water into wine, hanging out prostitutes but now he has a
wife, you know. mr. and mrs. jesus and helen christ. the christ. [ laughter ] you know things are going to change. when i go to confess my sins, you know he's going to tell her. you can't have secrets in a marriage. she'll probably throw in her two cents, you know. you are really going to forgive for that? normal people don't do that with a glade plug-in. you can forget that beard and the robe. from now it's clean shaven and a polo shirt. and he comes again in glory it's going be a minivan. we used to have so much fun. we would be on the beach. i would be having trouble in my life and woe carry me across the sand. [ laughter ] ing for theat because now he is leaded up with beach chairs and a cooler. what am i going to do on sundays? we used to watch the game
nice job. thank you so much being being here. thank you so much for coming. it's so refreshing to sit down and speak with another master of their craft. [ laughter ] you are one of the most famous violinists if the world, true? >> if you say so. >> stephen: i do. i declare it so. >> then you are right. >> stephen: you played on ed sullivan when you were 13? >> that's true. >> stephen: you've done it all grammys, emmys everything from carnegie hall to sesame vote and next week performing at the opening gal la of the new york philharmonic's 171st season. [cheers and applause] thank you i did read that well, thank you. >> you forgot i'm doing the colbert show, too. >> stephen: congratulations, when an honor. [cheers and applause] it's -- we're until the days
after tonement here. anything would you like to apologies for me for? >> for all the wrong notes. throughout the years there were about -- i think -- three of them. >> stephen: i was going to say, i accept your apology. thank you so much. [ laughter ] i love classical music in its place, okay, at the background -- background at a nice restaurant or something to cut an olympic montage too but i don't understand people's passion for classical music. what is it that drew you to it? >> i was listening on the radio to violinist and classical pieces and orchestras and i like particularly the violinists the sound of tone. >> stephen: how old are we talking here? >> three or four years ago. they brought me a small violin and it didn't sound like i heard on the radio. i threw it away.
we post ponied my training to a year later when i could actually make a scratchy sound. >> stephen: when did people say this kid has got it? >> about a year ago. >> stephen: really? you are a late bloomer. [ laughter ] i have a problem with the modern classical music scene right now and that's because the asians, okay, have come over here and taken our virtuoso classical musical positions. we invented it. we don't go over there and take their pling plang music. there's no three-year-olds over here mastering the gong. hey, i'm calling it like i see it. how dear they take our jobs. >> are we being taped now. >> stephen: this is live. >> i have to answer truthfully.
>> stephen: why? >> it goes in cycles. it has to do with role molds. enough somebody from korea or japan or china who is wonderful musician, then you say i want to be like him. >> stephen: after this. after this people all over america will be playing the violin after your appearance here tonight. >> i know that. >> stephen: i'm giving the violin the colbert bump right now. >> absolutely. >> stephen: i'm giving the bump very gently because it's a stratovarius -- >> i'll look at my facebook page and see how much of a bump you are giving me. >> stephen: would you please do a song for us when we come back? >> no, i don't want to. >> stephen: folks, i tried. we'll be back with a performance about itzhak perlman. thank you so